ADAPTATION
by
Charlie Kaufman and Donald Kaufman
adapted from the book
THE ORCHID THIEF
by
Susan Orlean
Revised - November 21, 2000
EXT. PLANET - DAY 1 1
SUBTITLE: THE EARTH
From space the Earth is brown and meteor-scarred. We move in *
until we are on its endlessly barren and lifeless surface.
The atmosphere is hazy, toxic-looking. Volcanoes erupt.
Meteors bombard. Lightning strikes, concussing murky pools
of water. All this in silence.
INT. LARGE EMPTY LIVING ROOM - MORNING 2 2
SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CA, FOUR BILLION AND FORTY YEARS LATER
Beamed ceiling, ostentatious fireplace. A few birthday cards *
on the mantel, two of them identical: "To Our Dear Son on His
Fortieth Birthday." Charlie Kaufman, a fat, balding man in a
purple sweater with tags still attached, paces. His
incantational voice-over carpets this and every scene he's *
in. It is at times barely audible, but always present. *
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I'm old. I'm fat. I'm bald. *
(reaches for notebook, catches
sight of bare feet)
My toenails have turned strange. I am *
old. I am -- *
(flips through notebook, paces)
I have nothing. She'll think I'm an *
idiot. Why couldn't I stay on that diet? *
She'll pretend not to be disappointed,
but I'll see that look, that look -- *
(passes mirror, glances quickly
at reflection, looks away)
God, I'm repulsive.
(another glance) *
But as repulsive as I think? My Body *
Dysmorphic Disorder confuses everything.
I mean, I know people call me Fatty *
behind my back. Or Fatso. Or,
facetiously, Slim. But I also realize *
this is my own perverted form of selfaggrandizement,
that no one talks about
me at all. What possible interest is an
old, bald, fat man to anyone? *
EXT. STATE ROAD 29 - DAWN 3 3
A lonely two-lane highway cutting through swampland.
(CONTINUED)
BRITISH NARRATOR
As natural selection works solely by and
for the good of each being, all corporeal
and mental endowments will tend to
progress towards perfection.
Suddenly, a beat-up white van barrels around a curve. It's
followed closely by an old green Ford.
SUBTITLE: STATE ROAD 29, FLORIDA, FIVE YEARS EARLIER
INT. WHITE VAN - CONTINUOUS 4 4
John Laroche, a skinny man with no front teeth, drives. The *
van is piled with bags of potting soil, gardening junk. A
Writings of Charles Darwin audio cassette case is on the seat
next to Laroche.
BRITISH NARRATOR
It is interesting to contemplate an
entangled bank, clothed with many plants
of many kinds, with birds singing...
Laroche tries to contemplate the plants and birds whizzing
by. Almost too late, he spots the Fakahatchee Strand State
Preserve sign and makes a squealing right onto the dirt road
turn-off. The cassette case flies from the seat and halfburies
itself in an open bag of peat.
INT. GREEN FORD - CONTINUOUS 5 5
Nirvana blasts. Russell, Vinson, and Randy, three young
Indian men, pass a joint and watch the erratic van ahead.
RUSSELL
Laroche is asleep at the wheel.
RANDY
Crazy White Man is now Drowsy White Man.
They share a stoned laugh.
EXT. NEW YORK OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT 6 6
SUBTITLE: NEW YORKER MAGAZINE, TWO YEARS LATER
Late night street. The click-click of typing. We move
slowly up the building to the only glowing window.
pg. 2
CONTINUED: 3 3
(CONTINUED)
ORLEAN (O.S.)
(wistful)
John Laroche is a tall guy, skinny as a
stick, pale-eyed, slouch-shouldered and
sharply handsome despite the fact that he
is missing all his front teeth. *
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS 7 7
We glide over a desk piled with orchid books, past a photo of *
Laroche tacked to an overwhelmed bulletin board, and come to
rest on a woman typing. It's Susan Orlean: pale, delicate
and blond. We lose ourselves in her melancholy beauty.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
I went to Florida two years ago to write *
a piece for the New Yorker. It was after *
reading a small article about a white man *
and three Seminole men arrested with rare
orchids they'd stolen out of a place
called... *
INT. RANGER'S TRUCK - MID-MORNING 8 8
Tony, a ranger, drives past the Fakahatchee Strand State *
Preserve sign and enters the swamp. He sees the white van
and Ford parked ahead, spots a Seminole license plate on the
Ford. He pulls over down the road, whispers into his C.B. *
TONY
We got Semi noles, in the swamp.
Tony waits for a response. Nothing.
TONY (cont'd)
I repeat, Indians in the swamp.
Tony clears his throat into the radio.
RADIO VOICE
I don't know what you want me to say.
TONY
Barry, Indians do not go on swamp walks.
If there are Indians in the swamp, they
are in there for a reason.
No response. Tony glowers, gets out of the truck, watches
the vehicles through binoculars. Nothing. He straightens
his cap. Mosquitoes land on his neck, his nose, his lips.
pg. 3
CONTINUED: 6 6
INT. L.A. BUSINESS LUNCH RESTAURANT - MIDDAY 9 9
Kaufman, wearing his purple sweater sans tags, sits with
Valerie, an attractive woman in wire-rim glasses. They pick
at salads. Kaufman steals glances at her lips, her hair, her
breasts. She looks up at him. He blanches, looks down. *
KAUFMAN
She looked at my hairline. She thinks *
I'm old. She thinks I'm fat. She -- *
VALERIE
We think you're great. *
KAUFMAN
Oh, thanks, wow. That's nice to hear.
A rivulet of sweat slides down his forehead. Valerie watches *
it. Kaufman sees her watching it. She sees him seeing her
watching it. She looks at her salad. He quickly swabs.
VALERIE
We all just loved the Malkovich script. *
KAUFMAN
Thank you. That's... I appreciate that. *
VALERIE
(still looking at her salad)
Such a unique voice. Boy, I'd love to *
find a portal into your brain. *
KAUFMAN *
(laughing) *
Trust me, it's no fun. *
VALERIE *
(laughs) *
So you're in production, right? *
KAUFMAN
Yeah, it is. They are. We are. *
VALERIE
That must be so exciting. *
KAUFMAN
Yeah *
Uncomfortable silence. Kaufman tries to fill it. *
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
It's exciting to see one's work produced. *
pg. 4
(CONTINUED)
VALERIE *
(looking up) *
I bet.
(looking up)
So --
Kaufman looks up, too. His brow is dripping again. Valerie *
pretends not to notice. *
VALERIE (cont'd) *
Good. So, tell me your thoughts on this
crazy little project of ours.
In one motion, Kaufman swabs his forehead and pulls a book
entitled The Orchid Thief from his bag.
KAUFMAN
First, I think it's a great book.
VALERIE
Laroche is a fun character, isn't he?
Kaufman nods, flips through the book, stalling. A photo of *
author Susan Orlean smiles from the inside back cover. *
KAUFMAN
Absolutely. And Orlean makes orchids so
fascinating. Plus her musings on
Florida, orchid poaching. Indians.
Great, sprawling New Yorker stuff. I'd
want to remain true to that, let the
movie exist rather than be artificially
plot driven.
VALERIE
Okay, great, great. I guess I'm not *
exactly sure what that means.
KAUFMAN
Oh. Well... I like to let my work *
evolve, so I'd want to go into it with *
sort of open-ended kind of... and also *
not force it into a typical movie form. *
VALERIE
Oh. That sounds interesting... what *
you're saying. I mean, I'm intrigued.
KAUFMAN
(blurting)
It's just, I don't want to ruin it by
making it a Hollywood product. Like, an
orchid heist movie or something.
pg. 5
CONTINUED: 9 9
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
Or changing the orchids into poppies and
turning it into a movie about drug
running. Y'know? Why can't there be a
movie simply about flowers? That's all.
VALERIE
That's what we're thinking. Definitely. *
KAUFMAN
Like, I don't want to cram in sex, or car *
chases, or guns. Or characters learning
profound life lessons. Or growing or *
coming to like each other or overcoming
obstacles to succeed in the end. Y'know?
The book isn't like that. Life isn't
like that. It just isn't. I feel very *
strongly about this. *
Kaufman is sweating like crazy now. Valerie is quiet. We *
hear Kaufman's self-flagellating voice-over through the *
silence, but we can't make out the words. Then: *
VALERIE
I guess we thought maybe Susan Orlean and *
Laroche could fall in and -- *
KAUFMAN
Okay, but to me -- this alienated *
journalist writing about a passionate *
backwoods guy and he teaches her to love--
that's like... fake. I mean, it didn't
happen. It wouldn't happen. *
INT. OFFICE - DAY 10 10
SUBTITLE: HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, THREE WEEKS EARLIER
The office is decorated with potted flowers, Audubon posters,
lots of books. Margaret, a soulful development executive,
unpack boxes. Kaufman appears in the open doorway. In the *
hall behind him are framed posters for action movies. *
KAUFMAN
Knock knock.
Margaret turns.
MARGARET
Char-lay Kauf-man!
She hugs him enthusiastically.
pg. 6
CONTINUED: (2) 9 9
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
(CONTINUED)
MARGARET (cont'd)
What are you doing in this Godforsaken
hell-hole?
KAUFMAN
Meeting upstairs. *
MARGARET
(mock impressed)
Ooh, with Robert? Oooh. *
KAUFMAN
(smiles, nods) *
So... just wanted to say hello, *
congratulate you on the promotion.
Pretty fancy office, Margie!
MARGARET
Well, thanks. It's all so stupid.
KAUFMAN
It's great. Are you kidding? I saw your
photo in Variety and everything. Very *
very cool.
MARGARET
Oh, God, such an awful picture.
KAUFMAN
You looked great.
MARGARET
Anyway. So what's with you? Come in,
man. Take a load off.
Kaufman enters, sits on the couch. Margaret closes the door.
MARGARET (cont'd)
(mock whisper)
Lousy with spies.
Kaufman laughs. Margaret sits down next to him. He tenses
at the closeness, covers by talking. *
KAUFMAN
I'm considering jobs. Mostly crap.
There's one you might like, about
flowers.
MARGARET
Flowers? Really? *
pg. 7
CONTINUED: 10 10
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
Demme's company wants to adapt this book *
The Orchid Thief. About orchids.
MARGARET
Cool. You should definitely do it. *
Kaufman is thrilled; he's scored.
KAUFMAN
I loved the book is all. *
MARGARET
I'll read it. You're all the
recommendation I need.
(presses button on phone)
Andy, could you get a book called The
Orchid Thief by... *
KAUFMAN
Susan Orlean.
MARGARET
Susan Orlean. Thanks.
(hangs up, smiles at him) *
If anyone could figure out how to do a
movie about flowers, it would be you.
KAUFMAN
I dunno. I'd like to try. Y'know?
MARGARET
You should. Jesus, somebody needs to *
save us all. And it sounds exciting, to *
immerse yourself in a real subject and *
learn everything about it. Get paid for *
it! Charlie! Not this movie bullshit, *
sex and drug deals and violence.
(looks up at ceiling and yells) *
God, Robert, I'm so sick of it! *
KAUFMAN
(looking at ceiling) *
Margaret. *
MARGARET
I don't care. *
(looking up, yelling) *
I don't care, Robert! *
(back to Kaufman) *
Hey, you know that Blake line about *
seeing heaven in a wild flower? That's
the fucking truth, man. *
pg. 8
CONTINUED: (2) 10 10
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
I know. *
MARGARET
I know you know. *
(conspiratorially) *
After you learn all this flower stuff, *
you can teach me. *
KAUFMAN
(thrilled but controlled)
That'd be fun. *
EXT. MURKY POOL OF WATER - DAY 11 11
SUBTITLE: THE EARTH, THREE BILLION YEARS AGO
We move into the pool, closer, closer, until we see a singlecell
organism multiplying. Soon there are millions of them. *
EXT. SWAMP - MORNING 12 12
Hot, dirty, miserable. Laroche leads the Indians through
waist-high black water. He points out a turtle on a rock.
LAROCHE
Pseudemys floridana. Did you fellas know
you fellas believe the world rests on the
back of a turtle? Not you fellas
specifically. Although, maybe you fellas
specifically. That I can't speak to.
The Indians ignore him. They trudge. Laroche spots
something else, a dull green root wrapped around a tree. He
stops, circles the tree. His eyes widen in reverent awe.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
A ghost. Polyrrhiza Lindenii.
The Indians come around. Laroche stares at a single
beautiful, glowing white flower hanging from the tree. He
tenderly caresses the petals. Then, business-like:
LAROCHE (cont'd)
Cut it down, Russell.
Russell pulls out a hacksaw, begins sawing through the tree.
INT. RESTAURANT - MIDDAY 13 13
Kaufman still sweats as he talks to Valerie.
pg. 9
CONTINUED: (3) 10 10
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
...plus I love the idea of learning all
about orchids and trying to do something *
simple. My stuff tends to be weird. *
VALERIE
But not weird for weird's sake. *
KAUFMAN
Thanks. That's nice to hear. But I'm
ready to challenge myself. I don't want *
to get by on quirkiness. I don't want to *
fall back on weirdness the way other *
writers fall back on sex and violence. I *
want to think differently. *
VALERIE
Adapting someone else's work is certainly
an opportunity to think differently.
KAUFMAN
Yeah. I'd like to take something real *
like orchids and show people how profound *
they are. It's like, show people heaven *
in a wildflower. As Blake said.
INT. PET STORE (1972) - DAY 14 14
SUBTITLE: NORTH MIAMI, TWENTY-SIX YEARS EARLIER
A serious ten year old boy walks from cage to aquarium,
studying the inhabitants. He turns to his frumpy mother, who *
is sitting with a frail, listless, anemic-looking little *
girl. The girl rests her head on the mother's shoulder. *
BOY
Any animal at all, ma? *
She nods sweetly. The boy returns to his search. He stops
at a small turtle in an aquarium.
BOY (cont'd)
I want a turtle then. This one. *
MOTHER
(hugging him)
A wonderful choice!
(to the girl) *
Don't you think so, Diane? *
The glassy-eyed girl doesn't respond. The mother strokes the *
girl's hair as she talks to the boy. *
pg. 10
CONTINUED: 13 13
(CONTINUED)
MOTHER (cont'd) *
And spiritually significant. Did you *
know Native Americans believe the whole *
world rests on the back of a turtle?
BOY
Cool! I can't wait to tell the guys! *
EXT. SWAMP - MORNING 15 15
As Laroche supervises, Randy, Russell, and Vinson saw through
tree branches supporting lovely flowering orchids. They
unceremoniously stuff the flowers into bulging pillowcases.
INT. ROMANTIC RESTAURANT - EVENING 16 16
Kaufman eats with Margaret. Margaret raises a glass.
MARGARET
To a fucking awesome assignment, man.
The book is just amazing. I can't thank
you enough for telling me about it.
Kaufman, thrilled, clicks glasses.
KAUFMAN
God, I'm just so pleased you liked it.
(He takes a breath)
Hey, I'm going to an orchid show in Santa *
Barbara on Sunday? For research? Maybe *
you'll come?
MARGARET
Absolutely.
KAUFMAN
Great! Great! We could have breakfast
first or whatever?
MARGARET
That sounds nice. I think David, this
guy I'm seeing, would enjoy it, too.
He's a naturalist. Okay if he comes? *
KAUFMAN
(covering heartbreak)
Yeah, of course. Sure.
MARGARET
He wants to meet you anyway. All I do is
tell him how great you are. He probably
hates you already.
pg. 11
CONTINUED: 14 14
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
Oh, okay. That sounds good.
MARGARET
You'll like him. He's just honest and
smart. I'm sure you know, it's
impossible to find someone in this town
who thinks about things other than the
fucking business.
KAUFMAN
He sounds great.
MARGARET
Like the other day we were in bed
discussing Hegel. Hegel! In bed! After
really hot sex! Like my dream come true.
I mean, in this goddamn town?
(marvels at this for a moment,
then:)
Have you read much?
KAUFMAN
Y'know, a long time ago. A bit. Y'know.
MARGARET
Well, anyway, David and I were joking
about the Philosophy of History. You've
read that, right?
KAUFMAN
Um, long time ago, so...
MARGARET
So I was lying there... *
The entrees arrive. *
MARGARET (cont'd) *
... kind of post-coital dreamy.... *
(to waiter) *
Thanks. *
(to Kaufman) *
... and I was suddenly struck by how *
profound the notion is that history is a
human construct...
Kaufman begins the laborious task of getting through his
plate of food. He can no longer look up at Margaret.
KAUFMAN
Uh-huh.
pg. 12
CONTINUED: 16 16
(CONTINUED)
MARGARET
... that nature doesn't exist
historically, but rather cyclically. So
whereas human history spirals forward,
building upon itself, nature...
EXT. OCEAN - DAY 17 17 *
SUBTITLE: EARTH, ONE BILLION YEARS EARLIER
Odd, small blind jellyfish collide, recoil, and hover. *
INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAY 18 18
Kaufman grabs some orchid books off the shelf, carries them
to the register, along with a book on Hegel which features an
engraving of the philosopher on the cover. Kaufman waits in
line and watches a tattooed female cashier flirting with the
handsome guy ahead of him. With every fiber of his being, he
studies their interaction, the way she looks at him, the body
language. Her eyes, her lips. The guy finally leaves and
the cashier waves Kaufman over. As she rings him up, she
expresses no interest in him. He's hurt and fixates on a
sexy flower tattoo on her arm. She pulls down her sleeve.
EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNING 19 19
Tony waits, sweaty and mosquito bitten. The radio crackles.
RADIO VOICE
How's that Injun round-up going, Tony? *
Rustling near the parked cars. Tony tenses. Laroche steps
from the swamp with the Indians, who haul the pillowcases.
TONY (cont'd) *
(into the radio, pleased)
Ha! *
Tony jumps into the truck and turns it around.
INT. ORLEAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 20 20
Orlean types. Her delicate fingers move with a pianist's
grace across the computer keyboard.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Orchid hunting is a mortal occupation.
EXT. TROPICAL RIVER - DAY 21 21
SUBTITLE: ORINOCO RIVER, ONE HUNDRED YEARS EARLIER
pg. 13
CONTINUED: (2) 16 16
(CONTINUED)
An overturned boat and uprooted orchids float on the river.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
The Victorian-era orchid hunter William
Arnold drowned on a collecting
expedition.
EXT. CLIFF - DAY 22 22
SUBTITLE: SIERRA LEONE
A man lies at the bottom of a cliff, clutching a flower.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Schroeder fell to his death. *
OMITTED 23 23 *
EXT. RIVER - DAY 24 24
SUBTITLE: YANGTZE RIVER
An emaciated, limping, wheezing man with a makeshift bandage
wrapped around his head, docks his boat.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Augustus Margary survived toothache,
rheumatism, pleurisy, and dysentery...
Someone steps from behind a bush, stabs him, steals his boat.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
... only to be murdered when he completed
his mission and traveled beyond Bhamo.
The murderer sails down river.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
Laroche loved orchids but I came to
believe he loved the difficulty and
fatality of getting them almost as much
as he loved the orchids themselves.
EXT. JANES SCENIC DRIVE - MORNING 25 25
Tony steps out of his truck. Laroche smiles warmly.
TONY
Morning. May I ask what you gentlemen
have in those pillowcases?
LAROCHE
Yes, sir, you absolutely may.
pg. 14
CONTINUED: 21 21
(CONTINUED)
Laroche goes back to directing the Indians. Tony's confused.
TONY
Okay, I'm asking then.
LAROCHE
Oh, Okay then! Let's see...
(peeking in bags)
Five kinds of bromeliad, one peperomia,
nine orchid varieties. About a hundred
and thirty plants all told, which my
colleagues have removed from the swamp.
TONY
You're aware that it's illegal to remove
plants or animals from state owned land?
LAROCHE
And don't forget these plants are all
endangered, sir. Every one of them.
TONY
Exactly. Well, that's exactly the issue.
This is a state preserve.
LAROCHE
Yes, sir, it is.
(afterthought)
Oh, and my colleagues are all Seminole
Indians. Did I mention that? You're
familiar, I'm sure, with the State of
Florida v. James E. Billie.
Tony nods, even though he has no idea.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
So you know that even though Seminole
Chief Billie killed a Florida panther,
one of, what, forty in the entire world?
Laroche looks to the Indians for confirmation. They give it.
LAROCHE (cont'd)
The state couldn't successfully prosecute
him. Because he's an Indian and it's his
right. As repugnant as you or I as white
conservationists might find his actions.
TONY
But --
pg. 15
CONTINUED: 25 25
(CONTINUED)
LAROCHE
Not to mention the failed attempts on
three separate occasions to prosecute
Seminoles for poaching palm fronds,
which, I believe, they use to thatch the
roofs of their traditional chickee huts.
Laroche again looks to the Indians for confirmation.
RUSSELL
He's right. That's exactly what we use
them for. Chickee huts.
Tony looks at the Indians.
RANDY
Yeah.
VINSON
Yeah.
RUSSELL
Yeah.
TONY
Yeah, but I don't... I can't let you
fellas go yet. Just hold on while I...
(into radio)
Hey, Barry, can I get some help? Barry?
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY 26 26
Orlean drives out of the Miami Airport parking lot. *
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Nothing in Florida seems hard or
permanent.
She passes urban congestion and garish billboards advertising *
nature theme parks.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
The developed places are just little
clearings in the jungle...
Orlean drives past endless swampland.
ORLEAN (V.O.) (cont'd)
... but the jungle is unstoppably
fertile, everything is always growing or
expanding. At the same time, the
wilderness disappears before your eyes.
pg. 16
CONTINUED: (2) 25 25
INT. HOTEL ROOM - AFTERNOON 27 27
Orlean unpacks her suitcase on the bed. The TV is turned to *
the hotel information channel. On the screen a pretty woman *
walks us through what to do in case of fire. Orlean finishes *
organizing her stuff. She sits blankly on the bed for a long *
time, then starts to weep inconsolably. *
EXT. RIVER'S EDGE - DAY/NIGHT 28 28
SUBTITLE: EARTH, THREE HUNDRED MILLION YEARS EARLIER
Simple green flowerless plants line the water. In a time *
lapse sequence, the plants grow, whither, die. They are *
replaced by new plants which go through the same process. *
This happens many times in an accelerating sequence.
EXT. BIG SPANISH-STYLE HOUSE - DAY 29 29
Kaufman gets out of his car with his books. Two teenage
girls walk by. Kaufman watches as one whispers to the other.
He thinks he hears the word "Fatso." The girls giggle.
INT. EMPTY HOUSE - A COUPLE OF MINUTES LATER 30 30
Kaufman passes a hall mirror, regards himself glumly, and
climbs the stairs.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
I am fat. I am repulsive. I cannot bear
my own reflection.
At the landing Kaufman comes upon Donald, his identical twin
brother, on his back in pajama bottoms and his new purple *
sweater. *
DONALD
Did you wear your sweater from mom yet? *
Comfy. *
KAUFMAN
What's with you?
DONALD
My back.
Kaufman nods vaguely, continues down the hall. *
DONALD (cont'd)
Hey, Charles, you'll be glad, I have a
plan to get me out of your house pronto.
pg. 17
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
A job is a plan. Is your plan a job?
DONALD
Drumroll, please
(supplies it)
I'm gonna be a screenwriter! Like you!
Kaufman doesn't respond, enters his bedroom.
DONALD (cont'd)
Okay, I know you think this is just one
of my get-rich-quick schemes. But I'm
doing it right this time. I'm taking a
three-day seminar! *
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 31 31
Kaufman lies face down on his mattress on the floor.
DONALD (O.S.)
It's only five hundred bucks!
KAUFMAN
(muffled by pillow)
Screenwriting seminars are bullshit.
Kaufman pulls a photo of Margaret, clipped from a trade
paper, from under his pillow. He gets lost in the picture.
DONALD (O.S.)
In theory I agree with you. Okay? But
this one is highly regarded within the
industry.
KAUFMAN
Donald, don't say "industry."
Donald appears on all fours in the doorway. Kaufman puts the *
paper back under his pillow.
DONALD
I'm sorry, I forgot. Charles, this guy
knows screenwriting. People come from
all over to study his method. I'll pay *
you back, buddy. As soon as I sell --
KAUFMAN
Let me explain something to you.
DONALD
Yeah, okay.
pg. 18
CONTINUED: 30 30
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN
Anybody who says he's got "the answer" is
going to attract desperate people. Be it
in the world of religion --
DONALD
(indicating his back)
I just need to lie down while you explain
this to me. Sorry. I apologize.
(lies down, stares at ceiling)
Okay, go ahead. Sorry. Okay. Go.
KAUFMAN
There are no rules to follow, Donald, and
anybody who says there are, is just --
DONALD
Not rules, principles. McKee writes:
"A rule says, you must do it this way. A
principle says, this works... and has
through all remembered time."
KAUFMAN
The script I'm starting, it's about
flowers. No one's ever done a movie
about flowers before. So, there're no
guidelines, and -- *
DONALD
What about Flowers for Algernon?
KAUFMAN
That's not about flowers. And it's not a
movie. There was a book -- *
DONALD
Oh, okay, I never saw it. Okay, keep *
going. Hey, what about Cactus Flower? I *
saw that. There's definitely a flower in *
that. *
KAUFMAN
Look, my point is, those teachers are *
dangerous if your goal is to do something
new. And a writer should always have
that goal. Writing is a journey into the
unknown, not building a model airplane. *
Donald stares at the ceiling, fuming. Kaufman waits.
Getting no response, he pulls out his Hegel book and reads:
pg. 19
CONTINUED: 31 31
(CONTINUED)
KAUFMAN (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Each being is, because posited, an opposited,
a conditional and conditioning,
the Understanding completes these its
limitations by positing the opposite...
Kaufman's head is spinning. He puts the book down. Both
brothers stare at the ceiling. Donald finally speaks
DONALD
McKee is a former Fulbright scholar. Are
you a former Fulbright scholar, Charles?
Kaufman looks over at Donald's repulsive girth.
INT. LIBRARY - DAY 32 32
SUBTITLE: CONNECTICUT, TWENTY-FOUR YEARS EARLIER
A teenaged Kaufman reads a book. He looks out the window
onto a courtyard where kids are smoking and eating lunch. He
spots Donald chatting up two pretty girls. They seem to be
enjoying Donald. He says good-bye and walks happily away.
GIRL *
Bye, Donald! *
The girls look at each other and giggle maliciously. One
puffs out her cheeks.
INT. EMPTY LIVING ROOM - DAY 32A 32A *
Kaufman stares at a blank sheet of paper in a typewriter. *
OMITTED 33-34 33-34 *
EXT. SWAMP - LATE MORNING 35 35 *
Ranger, sheriff, and state police cars are parked near the
van and Ford. Lots of sweating, uniformed people. The
pillowcases have been emptied, the plants lie on black
plastic sheets. A guy sprinkles water on them. Laroche
enthusiastically helps Ranger Mike Owen catalogue the
flowers. The Indians lean against their car, bored and
smoking. Nirvana seeps tinnily out the car window.
LAROCHE
... and what we have here, my friend, is
... thirteen Encyclia Cochleata... four
Encyclia Tampensis --
MIKE OWEN
I'm sorry, Encyclia what?
pg. 20
CONTINUED: (2) 31 31
(CONTINUED)
LAROCHE
(pointing to each)
Coch-le-ata. Tem-pen-sis.
(checks Owen's spelling)
Okay, let's see, twenty-two Epidendrum
Nocturnum. A very good haul. Two
Catopsi Floribunda. Three Polyrrhiza
Lindenii, the ghost orchid. What I
really came for. These sweeties grow
nowhere in the U.S. except in your swamp.
MIKE OWEN
That true? Boy, you really know your
plants, Mr. Laroche.
LAROCHE
Yeah. I do. I'm one of the world's
foremost experts. But that'll all be
revealed at the hearing.
INT. EMPTY KITCHEN - DAY 35A 35A *
Kaufman talks on the phone as he prepares a salad. *
KAUFMAN *
Hi, my name is Charlie Kaufman and I'm *
writing a screenplay based on Susan *
Orlean's book The Orc -- *
MIKE OWEN *
Oh, hi! *
KAUFMAN *
Hi. So, I want to come down to the *
Fakahatchee and -- *
MIKE OWEN *
Great! We'd love to have ya'. *
KAUFMAN *
Yeah, and I was wondering if you could *
give me a little information about *
supplies I might need, y'know, bug sprays *
-- *
MIKE OWEN *
Bug spray would be helpful. *
KAUFMAN *
Bug spray. I can do that. *
pg. 21
CONTINUED: 35 35
(CONTINUED)
MIKE OWEN *
You might want the strongest you can *
find. With Deet. Mosquito netting. I *
like to josh it's a little like walking *
through a biting, buzzing, gray could. *
Long sleeves. Heavy, heavy pants. *
You'll be trudging through acidic, thigh- *
high water. And the water's black, so *
you won't be able to see the snakes. *
KAUFMAN *
Okay. *
MIKE OWEN *
Or the alligators. So a strong boot, *
something they won't easily bite through. *
KAUFMAN *
(clearly not going) *
Sounds good. So I'll check my schedule *
and get back to you. *
MIKE OWEN *
Look forward to it! *
INT. EMPTY DINING ROOM - A BIT LATER 36 36 *
Kaufman sits at a card table in the otherwise empty room. He *
picks at his salad and reads Orlean's book. Donald lies on *
the floor, chomping a hoagie and reading a copy of Story by
Robert McKee.
KAUFMAN *
The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient
family of perennial plants with...
Kaufman, bored, looks over at Donald, whose cheeks are
stuffed with food.
DONALD (V.O.)
The most memorable, fascinating
characters tend to have not only a
conscious but an unconscious desire.
Although these characters are unaware of
their subconscious need --
KAUFMAN
Maybe you should watch what you eat,
Donald. Did you ever consider maybe
you're a bit fat? Does it ever occur to
you, you kind of represent me in the
world?
pg. 22
CONTINUED: 35A 35A
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
That people look at you and think, he's
Charlie's twin, therefore that's what
Charlie must look like?
DONALD
By the way, mom's paying for the seminar.
KAUFMAN
Did you even hear what I said?
DONALD
Yeah. Anyway. I pitched mom my
screenplay --
KAUFMAN
Don't say "pitch."
DONALD
Sorry. Anyway, she loved my... telling
of my story to her. She said it's *
"Silence of the Lambs" meets "Psycho."
KAUFMAN
Hey, maybe you and mom could collaborate.
I hear she's really good with structure.
DONALD
You think you're so superior, Charles.
Well, I'm really gonna write this. And
you'll see. And, and... you suck, okay?
The two glare at each other. They go back to their books.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
The Orchidaceae is a large, ancient *
family of perennial plants with... *
DONALD (V.O.)
Do not proliferate characters; do not
multiply locations. Rather than *
hopscotching through time, space, and *
people, discipline yourself to a *
reasonably contained cast and world... *
INT. RENTAL CAR - DAY 37 37
SUBTITLE: FLORIDA, THREE YEARS EARLIER *
Orlean drives on State Road 29, past prefab housing.
ORLEAN (V.O.)
Florida is a landscape of transition and
mutation...
pg. 23
CONTINUED: 36 36
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - DAY 38 38
Kaufman traces a stubby, nail-bitten finger along State Road
29 along a Florida road map. He turns to his typewriter, and
types in a clumsy hunt-and-peck style.
KAUFMAN (V.O.)
We open on State Road 29.
(stops, stares off)
It's swampy and lonely.
(typing)
A lonely stretch of road cutting through
untamed swampland.
(stops, thinks, types) *
A white van appears from around a curve. *
Its driver: a skinny man with no front
teeth. This is John Laroche. *
INT. COURT ROOM - DAY 39 39
The proceedings are in progress. Orlean hurries in, sits in
the back. Laroche, in a Miami Hurricanes cap, wrap-around
Mylar sunglasses, and a Hawaiian shirt, is on the stand.
Alan Lerner, the tribe's lawyer, questions him.
LERNER
Finally, Mr. Laroche, what is your
experience in the area of horticulture?
LAROCHE
Okay, I've been a professional
horticulturist for twelve years. I've
owned a plant nursery of my own which was
destroyed by the hurricane. I'm a
professional plant lecturer. I've given
at least sixty lectures on the
cultivation of plants. I'm a published
author, both in magazine and book form.
I have extensive experience with orchids,
and the asexual micropropagation of
orchids under aseptic cultures. This is
laboratory work, not at all like your
nursery work.
(grins)
I'm probably the smartest person I know.
LERNER
Thank you.
LAROCHE
You're very welcome.
pg. 24
INT. BARNES AND NOBLE - DAY 40 40
As she rings up his books, Kaufman admires the cashier's
flower tattoo. She catches him and smiles with red, wet,
pierced lips. She unbuttons her blouse and shows him a breast
with a heart tattoo. A sweet heartbeat turns to knocking.
INT. EMPTY BEDROOM - NIGHT 41 41
Kaufman, in bed masturbating, looks up at the closed door.
KAUFMAN
What?!
The door opens. Donald stands there for a moment in shadows.
DONALD
Look, you wanna hear my pitch, or what?
KAUFMAN
Go away. God damn it.
DONALD
(lost)
Y'know, I'm just trying to do something.
Kaufman squints at his brother, sits up, waits.
DONALD (CONT'D)
Hey, thanks a lot, man. Cool.
(flicks on light, then in pitch
mode:)
Okay, there's this serial killer, right --
Kaufman groans, lies down, stares at the ceiling. *
DONALD (CONT'D)
No, wait. See, he's being hunted by a
cop. And he's taunting the cop, right?
Sending clues who his next victim is.
He's already holding her hostage in his
creepy basement. So the cop gets
obsessed with figuring out her identity,
and in the process he falls in love with
her. Even though he's never even met
her. She becomes, like, the
unattainable, like the Holy Grail.
KAUFMAN *
It's a little obvious, don't you think?
pg. 25
(CONTINUED)
DONALD
Okay, but there's a twist. See, we find
out the killer suffers from multiple
personality disorder. Okay? See, he's
really also the cop and the girl. All of
them are him! Isn't that fucked-up?
Donald waits, proud. *
KAUFMAN
The only idea more overused than serial
killers, is multiple personality. On top
of that you explore the notion that cop
and criminal are really two aspects of
the same person. See every cop movie
ever made for other examples of this.
DONALD
Mom called it psychologically taut.
KAUFMAN
The other thing is, there's no way to
write this. Did you consider that? I
mean, how could you have someone held
prisoner in a basement and working in a
police station at the same time?
DONALD
Trick photography?
KAUFMAN
Okay, that's not what I'm asking. Listen
closely, what I'm asking is... in the *
reality of this movie, if there's only
one character, right?... Okay? How
could you... What exactly would the...
Donald waits blankly. Kaufman gives up, gets out of bed.
KAUFMAN (cont'd)
I agree with mom. Very taut. Sybil *
meets.. I dunno, Dressed to Kill. *
Kaufman dresses and exits.
DONALD
(calling after)
Cool. I really liked Dressed to Kill... *
until the third act denouement.
KAUFMAN (O.S.)
That's not how it's pronounced.
pg. 26
CONTINUED: 41 41
(CONTINUED)
DONALD
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY 42 42
Orlean exits the courthouse and watches Laroche in a huddle
with Lerner, Vinson, and Buster Baxley, vice-president of the *
tribe's business operations. They're all smoking intently.
LAROCHE
They're gonna fucking crucify me.
BUSTER *
I'll go into the Fakahatchee with a
chainsaw. I swear to God.
LERNER
Buster, for crying out loud, I handled
it. Didn't I remind her the Indians used
to own Fakahatchee? Look, we'll deal
with all this at trial.
Buster waves a dismissive hand at Lerner, walks away. Vinson
shrugs, stubs his cigarette, follows Buster. Lerner and
Laroche stand there a moment. Lerner walks off. Laroche
cracks his neck. A charmingly shy Orlean approaches.
ORLEAN
Mr. Laroche?
Orlean smiles, apologetic for the intrusion.
ORLEAN (CONT'D)
My name's Susan Orlean, I'm a writer for
the New Yorker. It's a maga --
LAROCHE
I'm familiar with the New Yorker. The
New Yorker, yes, the New Yorker. Right?
ORLEAN
Right. So I was interested in doing a
piece about your situation down here.
Laroche scowls, smokes furiously. Orlean tries some more. *
ORLEAN (CONT'D) *
I find your story really fascin -- *
LAROCHE
Yeah? Put this in: I don't care what
goes on here.
pg. 27
CONTINUED: (2) 41 41
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

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